And so it has come to this. A new blog. A new site. Something new. I doubt that I’ll let anyone else read this initially, but I guess there are a few explanations in order. To the reader, to older readers who I haven’t alienated and still might care about reading my writing, and maybe even to myself. My name is Jason. There’s a picture of me just to the right of this entry. It’s who I am now, almost thirty-nine (39!) years old, a professional web coordinator (whatever that means) and a bunch of other mundane things. But I wasn’t just that. I was something else many years ago. For a while, I fancied myself a full-time freelance writer. It was, as I said to many people, how I paid the bills. I talked to rock stars either on their way up the ladder of fame or on their way out of relevance in two hundred-to-one thousand word pieces for alt weeklies around the country. I was hot shit. I also had a blog that a few people liked. I broke a few notable stories in my local sphere that I never got credit for, and I did it all with great passion. That’s my story. It’s really not that interesting. Mostly because it’s a lie.
So here’s the truth.
Yes I was a freelance writer, but it could barely pay my Netflix bill 95% of the time. I had a very understanding wife helped me chase this silly dream, and I halfheartedly worked at it. I mostly sat at home and worried about money and yet did nothing to actually go after that money.
My blog that was oh so successful? Yes I got a few nice things here and there out of doing it, but most of the time I wrote to justify my bitterness or to troll others. It was all an exercise in being petty, self-aggrandizing and rationalizing weekly papers seeing me as a liability and not wanting to work with me as idiots failing to see some genius that in my heart of hearts I didn’t actually believe that I had.
It feels simultaneously great and a bit sad-sackish to type that, but it’s all true.
So a few years ago, because I was already sick of my own bullshit I hit stop on the blogging. I blamed other things like my jobs and other commitments in life, but the fact is that I was in the midst of a lie. I was sick of portraying a character to people. I’m not always some loud cynical asshole, and I’m certainly not always a quiet sentimental fool. I’m just me, and a lot of the times the “me” that is real and not portrayed is just kind of boring. Not a bad boring, but a good settling-into-my-late-thirties sort of boring.
So I hit pause on the blogging.
I tried to come back a few times, and I just never managed to muster up the energy to do so. Granted, a lot of it was a fear that I’d lost whatever spark there was in the old-fashioned Jason Bugg character, but there were some worries that if I were to write like I wanted to, someone in the ultra-conservative world that I was making my money in at the time (I worked for two Methodist organizations in my time away from blogging) would find out and be upset or offended. I’d rather not endure another “whether you’re clocked in or not, you still represent our organization at all times” talk each time I made a dick joke on Facebook, Twitter or my blog.
So now it’s time. Time to get this mess of an idea started. Time to see if I’m the no-bullshit creative person that I’ve always wanted to be. Time to see if I can share without being whiny, to give away part of myself without alienating those around me. Time to write and have fun and to have something to say whenever I’d like to.
That’s the goal. Let’s see if I can do it for once.